How can YOU help?

I challenge whoever is reading this to sit back and ponder about your life. Let's think about this together: When is a time where you have felt discouraged because someone else wasn't fulfilling their roles? 

Now that you think about it, consider this: What have YOU done to help that person fulfill their roles?

When I would make a mistake on something, my mom would always be the one to come up to me and ask me "Why did you do that???" Then we would have a long discussion of why it's so important of why not to do that and she would give me motherly advice. However, I can probably count on my hands the number of times where my dad would be the one to come up to me and say "Why did you do that?" 

Don't get me wrong, it was nice when my mom would try and understand me when I would make a mistake in my life, or when I would be going through a rough time. However, personally I would love it if my dad were the one to come to me and talk, giving me fatherly advice; best of both worlds.

I have a friend whom I have gotten to know really well. He and I worked together before I went to college and we soon became super close friends. He was always so sweet to me. He would want to know how my day went, how I'm liking life, what he can do to help me feel better when I was down, etc. Those little acts of him showing me he really cared about me really made feel really special. I couldn't really describe why him caring about me kind of make me feel more whole. In which, this made me think about my relationship with my dad. Was there something valuable missing in our relationship? If so, what?

One night I was thinking about how my dad carried out his responsibilities as a dad. Soon, I was thinking about what I wished my dad would do as the father in the home. I came up with a long list of what he hadn't been doing all my life in "showing me" that he really cared that he was my dad. I was getting really angry over what he hadn't done that I felt like a father should do for his daughter. I was so upset that I just started crying. Really really hard. It was about two o' clock in the morning so I'm sure my tiredness was also helping my tears pour down my face. I was texting my friend during this time and he could tell that I wasn't in a cheery mood. 

He asked me, "Are you alright?" 

No, of course I wasn't alright. 

"No, I'm not." I told him.

"What's wrong?" 

I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to feel responsible for me crying over my feelings of absence of a dad. But my friend being the sweet kid he is insisted that I tell him what I was sad about and he told me he would help me. I trusted him, so I told him how I felt.

I told him about how hard it was in the home, about how I didn't know what it was like for my dad to play games with me as a kid, that he didn't call me "my little princess", how he wouldn't ask me how my day was, how I would look at other dads and wonder why mine wasn't "cool" like theirs, etc. It was so hard to tell him these things. 

I don't think ANY KID should have to tell someone else that they feel like their parent isn't "acting like a parent". NO KID SHOULD FEEL LIKE THEIR PARENTS AREN'T FULFILLING THEIR ROLES AS PARENTS. I felt abandoned. I felt like there was a huge piece of me that was missing due to me really understanding the importance of knowing who my dad is. I was beginning to wonder if I even knew my dad, and if he even knew about me, of who I really am and not just what I do. 

My friend listened to me, and he gave me encouragement. He suggested that I should pray. He said that everything will get better, and he encouraged me to go and help my dad out by talking to him. My friend made me realize that even though it was rough on me about how much I felt like I have been "deprived", I needed to make the first move if my dad didn't. I was certain my dad may have not known that his "absence" was having this effect on me, which isn't a good thing either.

To this day, I still kind of feel that absence, however it's not as-silent?-as it was before. Now, I've talked this over with my older sister. In college, she majored in Marriage and Family so she learned and realized as well how much more our dad could have done as "the father" in the home and what he still can do. One thing I learned from her that I really love is the fact that just because someone grew up in a household a certain way doesn't mean they have to stay that way in their future family/life; it shouldn't just be their excuse for how they act now. THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR CHANGE. 

That being said about change, I know I can't change my dad. No matter how much I want to, I can't. It's impossible. He has his agency, he is his own person in which I have no control over. However, it's not impossible that I can be an influence on him. The only person I can change is myself. I can show him that I really want our relationship stronger by taking my friend's advice and putting forth the effort to get to know him better. :)

 My mom also is understanding of mine and my sister's feelings regarding our dad.  She is realizing the imbalance in her and our dad's relationship and she really wants a balance. I can see that she is stepping back more and allowing my dad to fill in. I notice that when he does make the effort to fill in, it's not always easy accepting that change and it becomes awkward at times. But regardless to how weird it is to see my dad take charge in the appropriate situations, to me it is a very relieving experience. When I watch my dad introduce our family to friends and neighbors, I can't help but feel a pride and triumph that yes, this is my dad and I love him for who he is: he's my dad.  

Who's Your Best Friend?

 Some of my favorite memories are those spent with my family members. My family always tries to find special ways in which we can spend quality time together, whether it's going on vacations, celebrating each others birthdays, or going to a family member's musical concert. Whatever the case may be, I always remember how my mom would encourage everyone to be involved in encouraging our family to support one anther and spend time with each other. 

I can recall many times where I was in a school musical concert and all of my immediate family, including my grandparents as well as some extended family, would come and support me in my talents playing in the musical program. Mom always said, "When is your next concert? We have to put that on the calendar!" or "Call your grandparents and let them know when your concert is!" or "Your father needs to be sure he's free from work the night of your concert!" Whatever the case may be, my mom had (and still is) a pro at making sure everyone was on the right track of when our next "family activity" would be and if we are all free from our own lives to participate with the family. 

As a daughter, I remember feeling excited when I walked on stage of a performance, looked out to the audience and see my family seated towards the center, right in the front of the auditorium. Dad had the video camera out all ready to push record, mom would hold the camera ready to take a photo whenever she could see my face through the meander of students all fumbling around as they would prepare to play music for their loved ones. 

I absolutely love it as our family encourages that family time. These activities help strengthen our family so much, and we all learn to have a good time in each others company. I value all the time I spend with my family. 

One thing I'd like to address is the responsibility fathers have in a family with their children. There are three characteristics regarding parenting: love, limits, and latitude. 

I'd like to discuss more about the first characteristic: love. 

I see love as my family is gathered together and spending time with one another. I feel love as I see my family with their video cameras out waiting to listen to me perform my musical piece. I cherish love as I notice my family members feeling of that same love. However, one specific love I want to address is when I can feel the love from my dad. 

When I was a little girl, my parents decided to let each one of their children spend some one-on-one time with their father. So, my dad would take each one of us kids out individually and get some ice-cream or another fun activity and just spend some time with us. He would ask us some questions on how school was going, etc. It was so long ago I can't really recall most of our conversation, however I do remember that special time I would spend with my dad. During those times I truly felt like he was my dad; that he was my friend.   

"Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children" (pp. 103-117). 

My dad prays with my family, he works hard so my family can have food on the table, he laughs with us, he plays games with us, he asks us how our days went. As a daughter, I truly believe that knowing my dad believes in me keeps me going, keeps me motivated, and makes me feel special. Special because I know if there is at least one person I can count on, it's my dad. 

I can honestly testify that as I really know and can feel the encouragement radiating from my parents, especially my dad, I feel more powerful. I feel that they really believe in me, that they see a potential of whom I can become; who I'm destined to become.  

Parents: I know that as you take the time to become your child's best friend they will cherish that forever. You want your children to succeed in their lives? Become their friend. Show them that you are sincere in getting to know who they really are. I know this will be a life-changing experience for both you and your children. You will see them as a new person, you WILL see who they really are. You won't regret becoming their friend. I promise. So, try it TODAY. :)

Children: Go to your parents and tell them you want to be their best friend. Show them you want to have them as your best friend. Why? Because of all your other "best friends" out there, your parents are one of the best kinds of friends to have.

 Sources:

Hart, C., Newell, L., & Haupt, J. (2012). Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 103-117). Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University.

Honor Thy Father

 "Honour thy father and thy mother" (Exodus 20:12). 

The Family: A Proclamation to the World says: "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children...The family is ordained of God...By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families..."

"A perspective of fathering that embraces the divine injunction to 'honor thy father' suggests a set of high ideals for men in family life"(pp. 140-150).

President Howard W. Hunter sets standards that define a father's primary responsibility in famliy life, "The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to [a man's] wife alone to society, to school, or even the church"

The book "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives" states, "To father a child is more than a biological act or fulfillment of a social role. To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations"(pp. 140-150).

President Ezra Taft Benson teaches that a father's calling "is an eternal calling from which [he is] never released." I love that quote so much and I totally agree with what he says. We are all called of God to perform certain callings, many of them being actual set apart callings in the church, but I feel the most important calling is being a parent. 

I think one of the most beautiful blessings we are able to do is to bring Heavenly Father's precious sons and daughters to earth. Procreation is so sacred, and when it's done right it brings a husband and wife closer to each other and to God. As I talk to many people about what it means to them to have a family and to bring God's children to the earth, they say it's so sacred and so beautiful. 

"Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives" states two fundamental realities of men in family life: 

1. Parenting is a work of vital, even eternal, importance to children, families, and communities.
2. Fathers make a fundamental difference in parenting across generations. 

One evening I was talking with my sister and her husband and I asked them to list some things that they individually/together feel as to why the husband is so important in the family.

My brother-in-law said, "Well, first off, we need to think of the question of what makes a dad, a dad?"

He explained what he thought was the most defining characteristic: a dad is a male. (I don't know about you, but it seems that especially in today's society with how 'gender roles' are being mixed around, this is an important piece of information to remember.) Most males are naturally born with leadership capabilities. The typical characteristics are that they have strong bodies generally for their "protecting and providing" duties. Men seem to have a more logical sense of intelligence, which help them in having a job to earn money for their family. Men approach things differently than women do; men are logical, more grounded, and "solid" individuals.

He explains that children need both sides of the spectrum: emotional (speaking of the women) and logical (speaking of the men). 

Fathers aren't just an important example for their sons, but to their daughters as well. A daughter can see in her father the potential of a man. He is her exemplar as to what type of man she should seek for in a husband. 

My brother-in-law continues in explaining that fathers provide: guidance, a home, a good example of rational behavior and understanding of intelligence. Not saying mothers can't do any of these things, but the typical characteristics and roles that have to do with a father's "providing" traits include all of these duties. 

My sister explained to me her perspective as to how important a father is in the home. She gave me some examples of how nowadays there are lots of instances where there are lots of unstable families as a result of no father in the home or the father isn't supportive of the family. 

Kids need a father figure in their lives. My heart goes out to all those families who aren't able to have a father in the home. But guess what? It's not the end of the world if a father isn't able to be in the home. There are friends, neighbors, father "figures" whom our children can look up to in this world. Fathers and "father figures", let's make sure whatever child looks up to you is looking up to someone who will teach them what it means to be a good person. 

What ways can fathers and "father figures" teach children how to be a good person? 

There are many ways to answer this question. First off and foremost I feel one of the best ways to show a child what it means to be a good person is how they treat their wife and/or their mother. When a man treats his sweetheart with respect, that shows the child that they need to respect her as well as other people. Children will look at that and see the good in the world. As they see their exemplar in their life treating someone they love with respect, kindness, and service it motivates them to be a better person. 

Children who see men treating their mothers/women in this world with respect, it's a big wake up call to them. It shows them righteous doings, and lets them think, "I can be respectful too."

Everybody, let's show this world that we can make a difference. Where do we start you may ask? Well, that answer is easy. 

It starts with your family. Those closest to you, those you look up to, as well as everyone else you look up to. Let's bring back the importance of a father in the family, whether it's an actual father in the home or just a father figure. Whatever the circumstance, the role of the father can still thrive!

 

Kids, what can you do about this? Encourage your father figures in your lives to be "the father" in your life. Let him know you appreciate what he does for you and those around him. I guarantee it will make a difference in his life and in yours. :)  

Sources: 

Brotherson, S. (2012). "Honor Thy Father": Key Principles and Practices in Fathering. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 140-150). Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University.

The Challenge To Become Even As He Is: Starting With Your Family

In the book Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, one research study explained was of three different groups of young adults:

The first group was from strong, healthy family background experiences. The second group was from an unhealthy family background experiences who did not overcome them. The last group was also from an unhealthy family background who had overcome those experiences.

The study shows that the first group with healthy backgrounds had "the highest quality premarital or marital relationships." (pp. 16-26). The second group had "the lowest romantic relationship quality" (pp. 16-26). The last group results showed "romantic relationship quality scores very similar to those from healthy family backgrounds" (pp. 16-26). 

This research shows that even if family life is a struggle, those who experienced hard backgrounds can overcome, "we can recover and still build strong families" (pp. 16-26). 

I agree with this 100%. We are encouraged over and over again by modern day prophets and scripture to change and "become something" our Heavenly Father wants us to become. The best way to start changing and becoming like God is within our own families.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, challenges us to become. He says, "It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.

"A parable illustrates this understanding. A wealthy father knew that if he were to bestow his wealth upon a child who had not yet developed the needed wisdom and stature, the inheritance would probably be wasted. The father said to his child:

“All that I have I desire to give you—not only my wealth, but also my position and standing among men. That which I have I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived. I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature. Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours.

"This parable parallels the pattern of heaven. The gospel of Jesus Christ promises the incomparable inheritance of eternal life, the fulness of the Father, and reveals the laws and principles by which it can be obtained." 

We have been sent here on earth to change and become as our Father in Heaven is. We have been sent to learn from our mistakes, challenges and trials, gain testimony, and learn to love and grow as He is, just as He has taught in the scriptures, "even as I am" (3 Nephi 28:10). 

I encourage each of you to read Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk about "The Challenge to Become". I personally believe that everyone can change for the better and become the person Heavenly Father has meant for them to become. As I look at my current family life, I can understand how this can apply with my family. I can use this information and share it will my family members, but overall the only person I can change is the only person God has meant for me to change: me. I can only change myself, and it's through my example can I help my family understand what it really means to "become" even as God is.

 I honestly believe that if every family wanted to become stronger personally and as a family, one of the best ways is to encourage each other to be better people by following the Savior's example. He is our greatest exemplar; He is perfect. We are not perfect however, but we can do our best to be like Him by doing as He did. He served his whole life; therefore, we can take His example of service and start serving our family members to help connect our families in love and righteousness.  

Sources: 

The Challenge to Become - Dallin H. Oaks. (n.d.). Retrieved February 11, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/the-challenge-to-become?lang=eng

Holman, T., & Poulsen, F. (2012). The ABCs of Successful Romantic Relationship Development: Meeting, Dating, and Choosing an Eternal Companion. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 16-26). Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University.