Now that you think about it, consider this: What have YOU done to help that person fulfill their roles?
When I would make a mistake on something, my mom would always be the one to come up to me and ask me "Why did you do that???" Then we would have a long discussion of why it's so important of why not to do that and she would give me motherly advice. However, I can probably count on my hands the number of times where my dad would be the one to come up to me and say "Why did you do that?"
Don't get me wrong, it was nice when my mom would try and understand me when I would make a mistake in my life, or when I would be going through a rough time. However, personally I would love it if my dad were the one to come to me and talk, giving me fatherly advice; best of both worlds.
I have a friend whom I have gotten to know really well. He and I worked together before I went to college and we soon became super close friends. He was always so sweet to me. He would want to know how my day went, how I'm liking life, what he can do to help me feel better when I was down, etc. Those little acts of him showing me he really cared about me really made feel really special. I couldn't really describe why him caring about me kind of make me feel more whole. In which, this made me think about my relationship with my dad. Was there something valuable missing in our relationship? If so, what?
One night I was thinking about how my dad carried out his responsibilities as a dad. Soon, I was thinking about what I wished my dad would do as the father in the home. I came up with a long list of what he hadn't been doing all my life in "showing me" that he really cared that he was my dad. I was getting really angry over what he hadn't done that I felt like a father should do for his daughter. I was so upset that I just started crying. Really really hard. It was about two o' clock in the morning so I'm sure my tiredness was also helping my tears pour down my face. I was texting my friend during this time and he could tell that I wasn't in a cheery mood.
He asked me, "Are you alright?"
No, of course I wasn't alright.
"No, I'm not." I told him.
"What's wrong?"
I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to feel responsible for me crying over my feelings of absence of a dad. But my friend being the sweet kid he is insisted that I tell him what I was sad about and he told me he would help me. I trusted him, so I told him how I felt.
I told him about how hard it was in the home, about how I didn't know what it was like for my dad to play games with me as a kid, that he didn't call me "my little princess", how he wouldn't ask me how my day was, how I would look at other dads and wonder why mine wasn't "cool" like theirs, etc. It was so hard to tell him these things.
I don't think ANY KID should have to tell someone else that they feel like their parent isn't "acting like a parent". NO KID SHOULD FEEL LIKE THEIR PARENTS AREN'T FULFILLING THEIR ROLES AS PARENTS. I felt abandoned. I felt like there was a huge piece of me that was missing due to me really understanding the importance of knowing who my dad is. I was beginning to wonder if I even knew my dad, and if he even knew about me, of who I really am and not just what I do.
My friend listened to me, and he gave me encouragement. He suggested that I should pray. He said that everything will get better, and he encouraged me to go and help my dad out by talking to him. My friend made me realize that even though it was rough on me about how much I felt like I have been "deprived", I needed to make the first move if my dad didn't. I was certain my dad may have not known that his "absence" was having this effect on me, which isn't a good thing either.
To this day, I still kind of feel that absence, however it's not as-silent?-as it was before. Now, I've talked this over with my older sister. In college, she majored in Marriage and Family so she learned and realized as well how much more our dad could have done as "the father" in the home and what he still can do. One thing I learned from her that I really love is the fact that just because someone grew up in a household a certain way doesn't mean they have to stay that way in their future family/life; it shouldn't just be their excuse for how they act now. THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR CHANGE.
That being said about change, I know I can't change my dad. No matter how much I want to, I can't. It's impossible. He has his agency, he is his own person in which I have no control over. However, it's not impossible that I can be an influence on him. The only person I can change is myself. I can show him that I really want our relationship stronger by taking my friend's advice and putting forth the effort to get to know him better. :)
My mom also is understanding of mine and my sister's feelings regarding our dad. She is realizing the imbalance in her and our dad's relationship and she really wants a balance. I can see that she is stepping back more and allowing my dad to fill in. I notice that when he does make the effort to fill in, it's not always easy accepting that change and it becomes awkward at times. But regardless to how weird it is to see my dad take charge in the appropriate situations, to me it is a very relieving experience. When I watch my dad introduce our family to friends and neighbors, I can't help but feel a pride and triumph that yes, this is my dad and I love him for who he is: he's my dad.
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